Dear Self, thank you for coming back to me, I’ve missed you so much. After almost 2 months of feeling cranky, negative, quite moody and mean at times, I am back to being me, back to feeling peaceful, kind, happy, centered, inspired, grateful and content
I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be back from feeling demotivated, cranky, negative and all kind of other moods that don’t feel too good.
During the whole month of November my body was in so much pain, couldn’t sleep at night, I would wake up feeling anxious and stressed and even though I would try to act as if I was okay (fake it until you become it), doing my morning and evening routine – exercise, meditation, reading, etc. things would not improve, not even a bit.
What? Not even when I meditate??!!!What is wrong with me???!!!
It felt so bad and during the day my energy would be very low and I remember seeing everything and everyone as being super annoying, mean and unhappy, focusing only on the negative and seeing the glass half empty 90% of the time. I become the opposite of who I knew myself to be…
Me, little miss positive pants, who is constantly telling people: let’s all look for the good in everything and everyone, life is beautiful, don’t complain and don’t act as if you are a victim of the world, I became a “monster”.
I know, I can be quite dramatic at times. I think I could be a really good actress
Anyway, during night time I would resist going to bed because I knew I would not be able to sleep at all, and I would end up spending my time on the Internet, looking for things to do and be distracted with.
And then, when the morning came, I would wake up feeling so tired and so cranky, ready to get irritated by anything or anyones…
Now that I think about it, it seems quite funny and cute and I am smiling, but at that time, because I was so identified with everything I was feeling, thinking, because I was identified with everything I was going through, it didn’t felt funny at all, on the contrary.
All the things I love doing and am passionate about, I no longer felt like doing any of them and in my head I thought that I will literally end up being this miserable person for the rest of my life, but somewhere, deep, deep, deep down in my heart I knew I will be back and I knew that what my mind was telling me was not true.
Why me? Why am I so unhappy? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the universe? Does the Universe even know who I am? I am Miss Positive Pants, I am the PurposeFairy!
I like to think I have some sort of magic powers, which I believe we all do, and I can heal that which is negative within me with these magical powers
. A lot of times these powers consist in simply changing the way you look at yourself, your drama, the world you live in and your life and by doing so, you get magical and miraculous results.
But this time, it felt like none of my usual “magical” stuff worked and I had moments when I literally felt like screaming, which I did a few times, scaring some of my colleagues off. Well, it wasn’t crazy screaming, but more of a spoiled brat screaming and whining
I hope the world will end in 2012 because I am done with this. Universe, we’re ready so take us all. Aaaarghhh!
I was quite a delightful presence, both for myself and the people around me…
And you know how when things go bad and the more you talk and focus on them, the more of them you seem to attract? Well, to spice things even more, I started attracted negativity in the form of unpleasant behaviours
from a few people who kinda got the impression that being open, kind and loving is a sign of weakness and they decided to use that against me.
Come on Universe… Are you kidding me? What am I? Why are you so mean to me?
I won’t go too much into details here because it’s not worth it, but the idea here is that at that point I decided to stop being loving and caring to people and started mirror their behaviours. Big mistake because that made me feel even more miserable. I started to build walls between me and the people I was interacting with on a daily basis and my energy went so low that I got sick and couldn’t get out of bed or eat properly anymore.
Is this a joke or what? Hello?!?! I don’t get sick, remember? What is this nonsense? Where are my magical powers? I want my magical powers back!
Anyway, there is so much to be said but I don’t want to focus too much on the drama because I am back to being me, and the me that I am knows that focusing on the “problem” will not make things better, only looking for a solution will.
I will write another post about this soon where I will talk more about the things I think triggered all of this and later on will talk about how I managed to get out of it and go back to being the kind, caring and loving person that I know myself to be. Does this look like a good idea?
Together we will get out of this and we will be a lot stronger, wiser and beautiful, inside and out.
P.S. Have you seen how many smiley faces I have used in this post?